Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My brain is a bad influence on me
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
why am I working on Labor Day
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.