Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”