jus found out the B in lgtbq+ stands for Bisexual & not Bible … losing hope in humanity .. but i still feel safe knowing the L stands for Lord .. the G .. for God .. the T for The catholic church .. and the Q for Quality time praying

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“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.


Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir


What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it


*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.


*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*


When you search your kid’s backpack and find they have a project due tomorrow and wish you would have found drugs instead.


[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?


Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids


[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away