@Havenlust

Just a bear doing some pole dancing ❤️

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@Parkerlawyer

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

@orny_xo

This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.

@FredTaming

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

@JerkVening

Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.

@ArfMeasures

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

@tinyelvisbkwd

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

@elunatyk

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

@Tmoney68

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

@funflaps

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.