Just a bear doing some pole dancing ❤️

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Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”


This guy thinks I’m taking down his number, but I’m really just writing this tweet.


[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic


Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.


Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm


I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.


Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.


Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.


Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.