Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
☺️
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.