@cam_joseph
@NikiWithIssues There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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@NikiWithIssues 
@wolfmannjr I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
@EvanSilliams ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
@mattsurely WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
@Vhalechark [Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
@Area51eh This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying. nnnnMust be doing something wrong.
@MattyBShow “Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
@Brianhopecomedy My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
@FunkyFresh_79 Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
@IMBeanz When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.