@mjkspeaks: [on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

@vaniaperruzza: When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response? I like to be prepared.

@AndrewNadeau0: ME: So, where are the Hobbits? GUIDE: Again, that's Middle Earth. This is Central America. ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

@DaddyJew: Judge: how do you plead? Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed

@goodhairperson: Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.