There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying. nnnnMust be doing something wrong.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.