@cam_joseph: Just a reminder, folks:
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@BoozeWallet: [pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics
@kidnapped_jesus: Me: please tell me my future, madame Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says 'lots of seks and the good cheeses' Me: awesome Palm reader: in sharpie Me: yeah Palm reader: you're going to die alone
@Marlebean: After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I'm pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
@weinerdog4life: I don't think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her