@BoozeWallet: [pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics

@kidnapped_jesus: Me: please tell me my future, madame Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says 'lots of seks and the good cheeses' Me: awesome Palm reader: in sharpie Me: yeah Palm reader: you're going to die alone

@Marlebean: After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I'm pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

@weinerdog4life: I don't think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

@Lisabug74: [at roller rink] My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.