Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
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A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?