Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
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I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off