@glamoureptile

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

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@TheToddWilliams

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

@SteveSuckington

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

@mishakey

You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.

@Brampersandon_

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

@Billhenry16

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

@IfIwassomething

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

@ArfMeasures

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

@goldengateblond

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

@amybethlee70

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.