just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
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I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.