Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
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[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*
“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.