Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
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[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
#PictureWednesday #health #nutrition #exercise
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa