Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
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That was easy.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
This is a sub tweet
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one