@rosannecash

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

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@WildeThingy

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

@OllyiConic

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

@DrTster

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

@laabruzzi

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

@2Saddington

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

@ItsSamG

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

@TealSather

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa