@rosannecash

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

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@kivtur

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

@LosLos__

HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?

Me: Lindt truffles.

HR:

Me: Dr. Pepper.

HR:

Me: Redheads….?

*winks*

HR: Get out.

@SvnSxty

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

@KeetPotato

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

@SkinnerSteven

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

@CethanLeahy

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

@gitson_shiggles

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

@UncleDuke1969

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

@squidslippers

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”