Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
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Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice