Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
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My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Great acting.. 😂
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough