@ItsAndyRyan

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

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@Billy_Pentz

#HowToAvoidPoliticsAtDinner bring up something less controversial, like religion.

@Brianhopecomedy

Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.

@DesperateAnnie

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

@RealPrincessKim

Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.

@LeciJ_

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

@Bob_Heller

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

@Cravin4

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

@tigersgoroooar

My GPS is basically just one more man in my life who I turn on and then ignore.

@Dawn_M_

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?