Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

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#HowToAvoidPoliticsAtDinner bring up something less controversial, like religion.


Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn’t become Superman.

Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.


In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:


Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.


Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.


My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….


I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.


Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth


My GPS is basically just one more man in my life who I turn on and then ignore.


Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?