Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
You Might Also Like
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Fidel Castro was alive?
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Cool shirt 🙂
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.