@thedadvocate01

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

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@rockymomax

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

@imdaintyaf

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

@WilliamAder

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

@JustMeTurtle

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

@AllanForsyth

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

@juliacomedy

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

@KimmyMonte

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

@weinerdog4life

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

@DavidKrap

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.