Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
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omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword