@monicaheisey

just accidentally clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like some kind of child emperor

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@Vodkantots

I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.

@WilliamAder

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

@MunkMania

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

@DaddyJew

TSA: do you have anything to declare?

Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war

@AnOrangeSNES

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

@GinRumMe

(Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it.)

Text: Hey what are you up to?

@ShittingtonUK

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

@PoliUncorrect

Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you… Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)

@flashember

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”