mom had nothing to worry about
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[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My dog ate my work from home.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.