Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.