Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.

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genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish


Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when


[First Date]

Her: I like old fashioned men

Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist


Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.


ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush


If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.


My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.


To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.


There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat’s pretty pissed