@bourgeoisalien

Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.

You Might Also Like

@clichedout

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

@popcorn_dog

[First Date]

Her: I like old fashioned men

Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist

@SondraDeeMe

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

@ericsshadow

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

@LittleMissZesty

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

@Parkerlawyer

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

@whinecheezits

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

@BigBec43

There was a spider in my bathroom so I threw the cat at it. The spider is dead but the cat’s pretty pissed