why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Good morning, Twitter x
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.