@chancetherapper: Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
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@mjkspeaks: [job interview] How did you lose your last job? "I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.
@TwinSurvivalist: If I hear a bump in the night, I'm hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
@jackmackenroth: People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.