Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
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The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.