@chancetherapper

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

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@behindyourback

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

@AdamBroud

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

@tastefactory

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

@3sunzzz

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

@Henry_3000

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

@sarcasticmommy4

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

@HansGrubertron

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise