@brakco

Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming “I’M YOU FROM THE “FUTURE!” in their faces..

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@BrendanHealy4

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

@BrokenDollMcGee

random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos

me: do you have any tattoos?

kid: nope

me: so you won’t be in hell?

kid: nope

me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then

@KyleMcDowell86

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

@TheAndrewNadeau

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

@thatUPSdude

How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?

Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.

@yoyoha

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

@TheMichaelRock

[guy inventing Captain Crunch]

Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.

@somecleverthing

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

@brennadine

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

@DurtMcHurtt

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.