Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.