@brakco

Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming “I’M YOU FROM THE “FUTURE!” in their faces..

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@jabba_jabba_jaw

Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?

God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.

@animadvertguy

WIFE: really?
ME: uh?
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

@tangledteatime

Me: Alright. Does everyone have their parachutes?

Paul: Yup.

Dave who sometimes lies for fun: *giggling* Yah.

@moose_chocolate

The groundhog in our town died on Sunday. I can’t imagine how long our winter will be now.

@CherBear162

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

@TheRealNickKay

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

@TheBoydP

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

@SteveDutzy

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

@WhoCuppedMyCake

If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints.
Like a toaster in a bathtub.