@BrendanHealy4 Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
@brakco Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming “I’M YOU FROM THE “FUTURE!” in their faces..
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@BrendanHealy4 
@BrokenDollMcGee random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos
me: do you have any tattoos?
kid: nope
me: so you won’t be in hell?
kid: nope
me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then
@KyleMcDowell86 *rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
@TheAndrewNadeau GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
@thatUPSdude How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?
Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.
@yoyoha Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
@TheMichaelRock [guy inventing Captain Crunch]
Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.
@somecleverthing Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
@brennadine [Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
@DurtMcHurtt [restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.