I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
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My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism