[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Sign at work today
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Its true…
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.