Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
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I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Don’t forget to tip your server
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
titanic
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing