Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.
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I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANYTHING. YOU ARE EVIL. I don’t want to go in the swing!! NOOOOooooo…. okay. yeah. This works. I’ll hang here. – Baby
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
*walks into adult superstore*
Yes, one adult please.
I just might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Providing everything that’s happened to you thus far has been really really bad.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
[Kicks open door to bouncy house]
So anyway I’ve been thinking about what you said last night
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?