I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.