I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
You Might Also Like
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
it was a valiant fight
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
*has no idea what a book even is*
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day