Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
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one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Said the murderer.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.