Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
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Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
When can I start eating bats again.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size