@kumailn

Just ate a glazed donut flavored protein bar. It tasted like someone describing a donut to me while I shove sawdust into my mouth.

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@BritXNic

I don’t chase guys unless I have my inhaler with me.

@lmwortho

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

@ObscureGent

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

@WickedDarkEyes

If you haven’t used your fingers to “expand” a picture in a Magazine today, well then you’re not me.

@jollyrobber

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

@GreenishDuck

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

@jonnysun

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

@TheTalkingPipe

I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.