NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
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ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.