Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.