Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

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My kids wouldn’t stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they’re crying and I’m like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.


Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.


When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Don’t get me started


Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you


You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?


Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work

Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon


“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.