My kids wouldn’t stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they’re crying and I’m like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
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Cat: What are you doing?
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.
COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Don’t get me started
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?
Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work
Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.