@DirtMcTurd

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

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@climaxximus

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

@pudding_club

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

@_elvishpresley_

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

@Mom_Overboard

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

@CAshmanActor

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

@InternetHippo

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

@KeetPotato

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

@jdforshort

Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up

~Mosquitos