Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
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COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button