Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
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My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.