@dyldonot

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

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@callmeEvian

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

@LizHackett

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

@bonehugsnirony

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

@FrazzleMyGimp

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

@GamerPres2020

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

@djdarrellripley

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

@ZombieProblms

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

@Ndeshi_M

Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?

@nathandeschaine

Jurassic Park (1993): An old man with ungodly amounts of money doesn’t have any common sense.