Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Confused owl: What?!
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Message from the dog groomers
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
The pointless tidy up before a play date.