@dyldonot

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

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@HatfieldAnne

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

@flashember

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

@mdob11

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

@AndLookPretty

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

@atDevin

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

@HanaMichels

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

@Underchilde

I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.

@MrNickJC

Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t have a box of chocolates.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]