@karencreets

Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

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@AndrewNadeau0

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

@R0ckG0d88

A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.

@SequelsWeWant

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

@DarkerWillow

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

@AsgardianRose

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

@mom_tho

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

@OleThickHawk

My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.

@aka_fatman

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

@sarcasticmommy4

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.