@KKAlThani

Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.

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@AndrewNadeau0

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

@Mr_Kapowski

My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song “The Wheels on the Bus”

@3sunzzz

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

@Book_Krazy

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

@Ygrene

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

@liv_thatsme

Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day

@Schmoodles

My friend texts “ur” instead of “you’re” but puts extra letters in “so” because she’s “soooo happy.”

This is why everyone hates you, Julie.

@Mindless4Miles

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

@Bownuggets

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.