@KKAlThani: Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.
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@dave_cactus: WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides. ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
@RadWizzy: (at the doctor) Can u cough for me? *coughs* Can u exhale for me? *exhales* Can u make kissy noises? *kissy noises* Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
@wife3kidsnodogs: Wife: I'm hungry! Me: I'll order pizza Wife: YOU THINK I'M FAT! Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already? Wife: WHAT?! Me: what what??
@Cycloptomese: Police: Pull over and stop! Me: [on moped]What’s the problem? Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in! Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!