@JB4Realz
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
@lizzzzzielogan
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
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@JB4Realz
@truegritrumble
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
@MoistPork
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
@WilliamAder
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
@ninjadinosaur1
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
@iGreenMonk
Go to work tomorrow with a new attitude.
Be positive!
Communicate!
Hide when real work comes!
@TheAndrewNadeau
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
@jergarl
Me: *breaks down door
Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?
M: HOME INVASION!
W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.
M: Soooooo
W: No
@CrunkDriver
Who called it an internal dialogue, instead of an invoice?
@perfect_messs
*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*
And just like that, laundry is done.