@lizzzzzielogan

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

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@JB4Realz

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

@MoistPork

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

@WilliamAder

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

@ninjadinosaur1

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

@iGreenMonk

Go to work tomorrow with a new attitude.

Be positive!

Communicate!

Hide when real work comes!

@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

@jergarl

Me: *breaks down door

Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?

M: HOME INVASION!

W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.

M: Soooooo

W: No

@perfect_messs

*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*

And just like that, laundry is done.