[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
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“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
? Breathe fire
? Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus
Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole
Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous