@lizzzzzielogan

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

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@fro_vo

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

@dadopotamus

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

@david8hughes

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

@chuuew

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

@SamTR7

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
? Fly
? Breathe fire
? Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

@AlexRogaski

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

@Darlainky

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

@T_Bonezzz_

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous