ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Go to work tomorrow with a new attitude.
Hide when real work comes!
ME:Can I wish for more?
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
G:That sounds right
Me: *breaks down door
Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?
M: HOME INVASION!
W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.
Who called it an internal dialogue, instead of an invoice?
*sets fire to a pile of dirty clothes*
And just like that, laundry is done.