Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
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Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry