@carterhambley

just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise

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@lisaxy424

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

@DurtMcHurtt

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

@simoncholland

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

@TheBoydP

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

@sickipediabot

I’ll be honest, the only time I’d ever want to be ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ would be if I was chasing them

With an axe.

@_thatigirl

Asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, “A way out” wasn’t the right answer.

@ShootyDoody

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.