Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

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A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who’s stressing you out.


[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.


It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.



Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say


Then watch how mad he gets.


Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.


I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.


Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.


With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us


We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.


73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you’re dancing.