Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
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Check your privilege
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Thursday
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down