@JElvisWeinstein

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

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@salmarch79

A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who’s stressing you out.

@EndhooS

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

@kunalrao

It’s called a runway. But you taxi there. In a plane. Go home English, you’re drunk.

@SteveDutzy

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

@Chumpstring

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

@WilliamAder

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

@DancesWithTamis

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

@KentWGraham

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

@realHamOnWry

73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you’re dancing.