“Apologize or die”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.
But… why can’t I use my teeth?