@PeaceInTruth1

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

You Might Also Like

@behindyourback

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

@ThisOneSayz

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

@Cpin42

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

@RickAaron

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

@_elvishpresley_

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

@AbbieEvansXO

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

@1Happytwit

Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.

@Marlebean

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?