@ddsmidt

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

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@MaverickBistro

If you’re a woman and hate cargo pants it’s because you are keenly aware of their tactical superiority compared to a purse

@iwearaonesie

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@GlennyRodge

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

@damagedave

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

@scorpicpanda

Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket*

Him: “Where’s the food and why are you naked?”

Me: “Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic.”

@PatsATweetin

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.