@ddsmidt

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

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@TheWoodenslurpy

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

@JohnHilsen

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

@TigNotaro

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

@Darlainky

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

@MandiAtRandom

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

@HomeProbably

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

@behindyourback

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

@truegritrumble

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

@Harbinger_one

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

@Bob_Janke

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.