Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
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Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
my nickname in college
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.