Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Running from your problems is cardio .
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.