Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
You Might Also Like
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Sign at work today
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Chemical wingman
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*