@RachelMComedy

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

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@jtrulez

Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.

@schumoo

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

@Cpt_Burnout

Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?

Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.

@conner_omalley

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

@generaldietz

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

@ImaFlyontheWall

Me: So you’re an Atheist?
Him: Yup!
Me: So what year is it?
Him: 2015
Me: based on how years are counted after a certain birth?

@iAmJuddy

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

@ch000ch

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

@tyrion1

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

@Shanehasabeard

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving