I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
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“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
welp
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?