Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK