“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”

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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone


i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives


Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*


Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators


I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass


Been in an accident? Know someone who’s been in an accident? If not, call us & we’ll come push you down the stairs or something.


I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.


My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.


My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor


Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them