“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
God, I love Scotland
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.