“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
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was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.