6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
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Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Relationship Status: changing locks