@GrandadJFreeman

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

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@ThaJawn

(Kid’s Bday Party)

Kid: Who are you?

I’m you, from the future, don’t eat that cake!

K: *puts cake down, runs away crying

*eats his cake

@Phoebetate

I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.

@HRTSMRT

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

@SveldtSmelt

Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.

@Dwarven_Cleric

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

@iwearaonesie

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

@AmberTozer

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

@yupkirsten

friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that