@GrandadJFreeman

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

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@mom_tho

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

@subtweetopath

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

@Ideal_Victoria

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

@andlikelaura

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

@MNateShyamalan

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

@timdonakowski

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

@ricsem

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

@daemonic3

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

@XclairemckX

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.