Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
A million dollar idea: Diapers for birds.
[my first police chase]
me: *into walkie talkie* I’m trailing the perp on foot, Chads Gym on Broadway
suspect: *looks over shoulder* only one person per treadmill
me: *into walkie talkie* sorry Keith i lost him
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
When you forget your mom follows you on Snapchat
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”