@HatfieldAnne

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

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@CVTBaby

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

@TheBoydP

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

@ClichedOut

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

@GrantTanaka

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

@lizzzzzielogan

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

@sonictyrant

[my first police chase]

me: *into walkie talkie* I’m trailing the perp on foot, Chads Gym on Broadway

suspect: *looks over shoulder* only one person per treadmill

me: *into walkie talkie* sorry Keith i lost him

@goldengateblond

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

@mom_ontherocks

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”