I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
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To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Someone just told me they had “too much sex” this week
1. No such thing
2. I hate you
Is cyanide the most efficient way to kill someone? Asking for a fiend.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?