@HatfieldAnne

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

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@Tdf41

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

@KarateDonuts

Me: *pouring beer on the ground*
CW: For your homies?
Me: What? No. This is Coors Light. Nobody should drink this shit.

@Bexdora

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

@DianaH1314

Someone just told me they had “too much sex” this week

1. No such thing
2. I hate you

@CMHorrocks

Is cyanide the most efficient way to kill someone? Asking for a fiend.

@haileev25

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

@chuuew

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?