Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.