Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Damn he played himself
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
How do dragons blow out candles?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.