@martyntanton

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

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@rickolantern

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

@dril

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

@UnFitz

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

@BritXNic

I had an affair with English. Since then, Math and I don’t speak.

@TheToddWilliams

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

@ericsshadow

[on a date]
Play it cool don’t let her know you’re a refrigerator
[her ex-boyfriend turns off the electricity]
“This isn’t cool man.”

@KolourMeKapes

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

@Darlainky

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”