Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
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Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I had an affair with English. Since then, Math and I don’t speak.
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[on a date]
Play it cool don’t let her know you’re a refrigerator
[her ex-boyfriend turns off the electricity]
“This isn’t cool man.”
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”